{Day 6} No Yelling!

Want to know a little secret? My husband and I don’t yell at each other … we never have, we {hopefully} never will. Now I realize there are many who will vehemently disagree with me on this, but hear me out please!

Have you ever been yelled at? When was the last time? When you were a child? How about as an adult? I can’t remember the last time I was yelled at, but I DO remember a specific time when I was about 20 years old and I worked at the Olive Garden. I had this MEAN, nasty, overbearing manager who liked to yell at us, boss us around and basically just berate us in front of others. It was AWFUL! I dreaded those nights when I had to work with that manager! The way this manager talked to me made me feel like I was about 2 inches tall, worthless, useless, etc.

Yelling is a very condescending thing to do. When you raise your voice to yell at someone you are trying to make them feel bad or trying to prove that your point needs to be heard more than theirs. {Please know I’m not talking about when you need to yell to warn someone of impending danger or yell something from another room so they can hear you.}

I am thankful that the Lord gave me a VERY patient and understanding husband. I’m sure there have been times in our marriage when he wanted to yell at me or was very upset or frustrated with me – but instead of yelling at me and making me feel like an idiot or a child – he always speaks with me in a calm way, showing he respects me enough to maintain composure while we talk.

I personally am still working on my patience skills. See, I used to have this yelling issue with my children. I know, it might seem wild to say that I would never yell at my hubby, but would often yell and even scream at my children! It was insane! I call those years my Monster Mommy years and I prayed that the Lord would work on me with my yelling issue. {Thankfully HE did!} Obviously I’m still a work in progress.

I’m not sure why it was so easy for me to yell at my kids but not at my hubby – maybe because they were young and I felt I had the right to since I was the parent? Anyway, regardless of that, I choose not to yell at my husband. When we have an issue or something upsets me we talk it through. Sure, I haven’t always been good about my approach to this. In my younger years of marriage I would often pout and sulk for days while my hubby would continue to ask what was wrong, only for me to grumpily say ‘nothing!’ until finally he could take no more and would make me sit and talk about it. I’m not proud of that but again, it’s another area that the Lord is working on me and I have grown a lot since those first few years of marriage.

Let’s think about what yelling accomplishes … it belittles the other person, it raises their defenses, and it can just escalate the situation. Not to mention the fact that words said in the heat of the moment cannot be taken back. Yes you can ask forgiveness, but mean and hurtful words are hard to forget.

I hope you ALL know that I do not have a perfect marriage … I hope you can see from my stories and examples that I’ve messed up plenty of times in my marriage. But I’m relying on the Lord to keep working on me and growing me and helping me become more like Him.

Today’s challenge is:

The next time you are ready to blow up at your husband, stop, walk away and give yourself a time out. Yes, just like the kind you give your kids. Remove yourself for a few minutes so you can take a deep breath and formulate valid thoughts that you don’t have to yell about. At times I’ve found it helpful to write a letter to my hubby telling him what is bothering me, that way I can say everything I want to say without getting emotional or being interrupted by him. Write it out and have him read it, then begin your discussion. And try to listen to his side of things too. When you’re in the heat of an argument, remember that this man LOVES you, CHOSE you and ADORES being married to you. Take a minute to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of thinking the very worst of him. 

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