"I never knew the depths of my anger until I had children. I wanted, always, to be in charge of what happened and didn't happen in my life. Children, I discovered, didn't care about my agenda." (Christine M. Field - from the book Help for the Harried Homeschooler)
I didn't write that, but when I recently read it in a book, I felt as though the words were taken straight from my own thought life. Scary. Scary to read something and feel like you are looking right in the mirror and feeling as though you've been caught. Caught being a bad Mom, caught not acting as the Lord would want me to act, caught in my sin.
I am not a yeller by nature. I don't like conflict and do everything possible to avoid conflicts. Hubby and I have never had an "argument" in 11 years. We have disagreed, we have discussed, but we have never yelled and fought. I have snapped a few random times when I was tired and cranky, but felt so guilty afterwards that I determined not to do it again.
Why then is it that I can yell, scream and lose my temper with my kids without giving it a second thought?? While thinking about it I came up with two reasons. First, they are powerless to defend themselves. Second, they quickly forget and forgive me. Well, let me add a third ... I sometimes feel justified in yelling because they aren't listening or obeying as they should.
"The enemy would love nothing more than for us to yell so much that our children's hearts close up to us and to God." (Christine M.Field) -- WOW, even scarier. The thought that one day they might just decide to tune me out, and not only me, but everything I've ever taught them about God ... just scares me to death. And makes me want to change.
Actually, I have to admit, since I'm being so transparent here, that several months ago I started praying that God would really work in my heart. That He would help change me, help me to stop my yelling, screaming and loss of temper. And I can honestly say, it's been helping. I still have my moments where I get upset, but I am in MUCH greater control than I was 6 months ago. I couldn't do it without the Lord. My sin nature wants to yell and scream any time the girls do something that goes against my 'plan' for the day, or anytime they refuse to obey and listen. But I catch myself with the thought that they are going to tune me out altogether if I continue on this path. And that they are looking to me as their example of someone who loves the Lord.
So, I want to say thank you Lord, praise You that you are not finished with my yet, but continue to mold me and grow me daily. And I will leave you with this verse, one that has been very helpful to me over these past few months.
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
3 comments:
Wow, Kathy. I see myself in that mirror, too. And cringe in disgust and shame.
Thank you for being so transparent, and for encouraging me toward prayer in this area. I'm thankful that He is so gracious to me, and I pray that I will grow in showing His grace to my children.
If you could've seen my home this morning as the kids were getting ready to go to school....needless to say I am ashamed of my sin. My youngest stayed home because I din't want him going to school remembering that his Mom had totally lost it. I pray that the same transformation will take place in my life that has taken place in yours. Thank you for being brave and sharing your heart. It has encouraged me to grow and admit a sin issue in my life. Thank you for being honest.
I am a friend of Mari Tuten and came across your blog through hers. WOW, is this ever what I needed to read today?! God has something to do with it, I'm sure. :) I always feel like I must be the only one who yells at my kids. I always feel terrible afterwards. I need to pray about this. I know God is the only ONE who can help me. Thanks for being so honest.
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